It made me think about mine and I decided to post about it.
From the time I was in the 7th grade I have been slightly obsessed with Eating Disorders. It started in my HomeEcc class when the teacher was teaching us about proper nutrition and had us watch what was probably a Lifetime movie about a gymnast who turned to Anorexia to lose weight. It fascinated me that someone would do that to themselves.
From that time on I thought about eating disorders all the time, researched them, did papers on them. In one of my 7th grade classes we were assigned to make a magazine on teenage issues, I of course chose Anorexia, It was the first, and probably only "A" I received from that teacher. (I think she did not like me so much(I probably talked to much)).
I studied the likings of Karen Carpenter, and other known Anorexics and Bulimics.
In the 8th Grade, in my health class, a friend of my older brothers and a recovering Anorexic from the High School in my district came and talked about her illness and what she would do.
She talked about how if she ate something she shouldn't have she would go running in the middle of the night and then brag about it. She would take treats from her cheer coach and hide them so that they thought she was eating them. She talked about going to rehab and getting help and how she would struggle with this for the rest of her life and she would never be able to eat like a "normal" person. She would always be thinking of the calories but had learned the "good calories" vs the "bad calories" and why it is important to properly feed your body and to properly exercise and that her health was far more important to her then being thin.
In the 9th Grade, I had a really good friend who, like me, was slightly obsessed with the thoughts of having an eating disorder.
We would talk about it, we would talk about how fat we were, we would talk about how we wanted to lose weight, and how we hated our bodies.
We talked about it all the time.
Our friendship was based on our conversations about it.
One day, we decided we would be Anorexic.
We would encourage each other to not eat, we would call each other and talk about what we had or had not eaten for the day.
We would congratulate each other if we skipped meals, thinking that this was the answer to being thin.
We knew that the first 48 hours would be the hardest and we knew, because of the research we had done, that after that , the hunger just, kind of, goes away.
I remember one day that I thought I had done so well, I did not eat breakfast, or lunch, I had chewed gum, and drank water, and was so excited. I thought one more meal, I can do it. When I got home from school, I saw that my mom had made my favorite soup ever, Plain old macaroni and tomatoes. I say plain because normally she would put ground beef in it, but not this time. I realized how hungry I really was, and I could not ignore it. I ended up eating 4 bowls of soup. I then received that annual "what did you eat" phone call and I told her about it. I told her that my mom made my favorite soup and I couldn't not eat it. I told her I would do better tomorrow and that it was just one bowl, (lie). I didn't want her to know that I had gone APE SHIT CRAZY with the food and mindlessly shoveled soup into my mouth and that it seemed like I couldn't get enough.
Thankfully, for me, my mother was inspired. I think she really was. I don't know if I really would have become the thin Anorexic girl that I wanted to be, and thankfully I never found out.
But, I did enter the world of binge eating after that.
For some reason, I really liked what I had done that day.
I liked that I had let myself get SO hungry that I wanted to eat and eat and eat. It was disgusting. I am so embarrassed by this. It was something I struggled with. I wouldn't eat all day at school. It was a game. If I did eat it was a laffy Taffy stick and a Diet Mt. Dew, which, I don't know why, I didn't even like Mt. Dew.
I would then go home or to work, most often, and I would see how much I could eat in a single hour. I would eat a sandwich, chips, cookies, an ice cream bar, more chips, a soda (probably Dr. Pepper), an apple, beef jerky, anything that I could fit in my sorely empty stomach. I enjoyed that feeling of feeling so full. I liked that I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the day. But of course most often I would do it again.
I was developing the characteristics of a Bulimic with out actually purging. I tried to purge, but I couldn't get myself to do it. I mean, who really likes to puke?
This lasted for a while, It was my routine. I would go to the local grocery store and get 3 chicken tenders on the way home from school, and then stop at the gas station and get more, I did NOT want anyone to know that I was eating as much as I was, I would down them all on the way to work, and then most likely eat my regular binge. I was OUT OF CONTROL and APE SHIT CRAZY.
I really don't know how many calories I would consume during that time, but I know it was more than I needed in a day. And I also know that my metabolism was very forgiving during that faze.
But I know I did damage.
On my body, my brain, my metabolism, my self-esteem.
This really lasted about 3 years.
I didn't gain weight.
Though, I probably should have. It is amazing to me what you can do to your body and not have it really show effect until years later.
A teenage metabolism is so forgiving.
My senior year is when I stopped doing the binge eating.
I was feeling better about myself, my friend situation had vastly improved. And I was working out with one of my best friends in high school. I started eating normal meals and I looked and felt great about it.
But, my relationship with food was and is forever changed by my disgusting habits.
I still to this day struggle with moments of binge eating.
I will eat mindlessly a lot of food, and I feel terrible and disgusting after.
I don't fuel my body for good, I often still load it with crap and a lot of it.
I need help.
I am going to get it.
I have a co-worker that is an Arbonne consultant. Arbonne has a 30 day cleanse to help you reset your metabolism and detox your body, and help you start eating healthy and understand the importance of properly fueling your body and eating to live and not living to eat.
It requires clean eating, and cutting out any foods that could cause allergies and addiction. No sugar, gluten, dairy, or processed foods.
I am up for the challenge and will be receiving my supplements next week.
I am excited to post about it and how I see myself change.
I am even thinking of posting pictures.
I am terrified.
This is the most honest I have ever been about my eating habits and my relationship with food.
It is scary and I don't want to be judged.
Just encouraged to do better.
