MIA / A CONFESSION

It has been longer than I thought since my last post. Not much has changed. I haven't found the motivation I need to really kick start my life-style change. I have nothing really to report. 
My son turned 3 this month and surprise surprise, I am still not at my pre-preggers weight. What else is new???

The realization that people I know have read my posts gives me mixed feelings. At first I was fine with it, but now I am also terrified of it. I realize that people I love will judge the things that I will write and I am being very open and honest about my feelings about myself, my past, and my struggles. I am running low on self-esteem and I am very MIA in a lot of things. While I know things have been better in a lot of aspects of my life, I am still very insecure. At my son's birthday party, we had all of the Hubs family there, and I felt myself shut down. I felt like I could not be myself, and the anti-social anxiety hit me and all I wanted to do was disappear. I felt the pressure of having to be the "host" of the party and all I wanted to do was tell everyone to leave. I made the most of it and tried to have a good time but all I felt was judged. 

I know that this is not normal. And I also want to say that I love my in-laws, and me being anti-social, and not coming to family things has absolutely nothing to do with them. It is completely normal for me to not agree 100% with the Hubs family, I was raised so different then they were, and I am still, after 7 years, trying to find my place in the family. 

It is an obvious thing that I have gained weight, but how much, and how insecure about it may not be obvious. When you hear comments made, and over hear a conversation about how much women should weigh will make you even more self-conscious to be around the people making the comments. The comments made, I would hope, were not directed toward me, but it makes you wonder. 

Sometimes I want to scream SHUT THE @#$% UP!! 

But again, these are my own issues. I know that I am the one who is hyper-sensitive when it comes to body issues and weight. So I don't say anything. 

Confession-
I am totally addicted to Keeping Up With The Kardashians
All things Kardashian...
I am certain that Khloe and I would be best friends if we were to ever meet. 
I am going to by the t-shirt that says Khloe is my Fave and I will totes wear it with pride. Bible. haha. 
I will probably have a future post about all things Kardashian and the reasons why I love them. I am totally obsessed. But do not go all Judgy Von Judgerson on me before I tell you why I love them. It is probably not what you think. 

Anyway... I was watching them, and their brother Robert is having some obvious issues with his weight and self-worth. There was an episode where he was talking to Lamar, Khloes hubs, and he said that if you don't take care of you then all your relationships struggle and your friendships and everything becomes void. 
Which is so true. I am anti-social because, I pretty much am so paranoid of what people are thinking, when really, they probably are not thinking the things that I think they are thinking. 
And really, it is not any of my business what other people think of me. 
When I was going to therapy as a teen, my therapist told me that our minds make up crazy things and how we filter the event or the things being said will change the way you feel and the way your brain will perceive the said things. 

EVENT

FEELINGS

----------------

FEELINGS

OUTCOME

This is something I need to remind myself of and something I need to start practicing again, so that when I hear comments I am no longer taking them and turning them so they were about me, but realizing that they are actually just an outcome of their own insecurities. 

Self Help and Thoughts on my own FP

The other day I was having a frustrating time trying to find something to wear. My hubs wanted to take me out to dinner and I stood looking at my closet full of clothes and thinking "I hate every single item of clothing I own" I even had that as my Facebook status. Of course I got comments on it and one of my cousins wife's told me about another self help book called Dressing your truth, my sister had told me about it days before as well as one called Its just my nature, so it looks as if I am falling into a self help book marathon. 
I have already purchased them both on my Kindle and will be reading them as soon as I am finished with Skinny Thinking. 
As I have been reading Skinny Thinking, I am answering the questions in my head and already implementing some of the tools of the book. Today I went to eat the rest of my sons half eaten breakfast, and thought, "Why are you going to eat this? You are not hungry. Why do you want it?" and the answer was, I didn't want it to go to waste. So, I opted not to eat it and I put it the garbage. Yes, I HATE wasting food. I hate buying food. I especially HATE leftovers, so, I often finish Patrick's food which leads to obvious over eating. So, that has stopped as of today. If he doesn't finish it, it goes in the fridge, if he doesn't finish it later, it goes in the garbage. The End. 
So as I am reading this book, the Author started by talking about her binge problems, which I have already opened up about, and then she talked about how growing up, her mom was thin, she didn't remember her really eating a lot, and she would never partake in the treats and snacks that so often she fed to her kids. It made me think of my sweet grandma. She gets so much pleasure by feeding other people, living vicariously through their eating, and eating very little of it herself. The Authors mom did the same. In my family, when we get together, there is food, A LOT, of food. We eat often because we feel it truly offends my grandmother if we don't. Those traditions have transferred into my moms habits as well. We get together for Easter, and there is food and A LOT of it. We get together for Christmas, there is again SO MUCH FOOD. And obviously we partake in the binge of the holiday. 
I find it to be very aggravating. 
I was so hurt when Tripp brought to my attention my own FP. I think that it hurt me so badly because I knew my own FP. I knew that the way I was raised, my family habits, my family genes can lead to people having weight issues. No one wants their own worst fears being brought to their attention. 
I do not blame Tripp for his fears and concerns,and it was not until today that I realized why it hurt me so badly. 
My goal is to raise my kids with better habits and break the trend. 
I am tired of living my life hating my body, hating the clothes that cover it, not because I have ugly clothes, because I do not. I shop like there is no tomorrow sometimes and I wear things once or twice and then never again. Not because of the clothes. BUT because of my body. 
Today, I cheated and decided to start my running again. I will follow the doctors orders and only start with 10 min every other day and so on until I am built back up. I have not had pain for a few weeks now, and I just cant put it off another 2 weeks. 
I followed 10 min run with 10 min of Kettle Ball and then 30 min of Pilates. 
I am feeling good. On a side note, on day 14 of Arbonne you have to start drinking a colon cleanse drink for 7 days. Today I started it. It tastes like Acia berry juice. Not good, not bad. We shall see how it works. Anyone who knows me knows how I will hate this week. HaHa. Whateves. 

CUCUMBERS AND SALSA

At the coming to the end of almost 2 weeks of trying to eat clean, there are a few things I have learned. 
Eating clean is easy.
I was starving the first 4 days.
I have trigger foods. 
TRIGGER FOODS. TRIGGER FOODS. TRIGGER FOODS..... 
(THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN ECHO?)(maybe I am dreaming of trigger foods...)

Trigger foods for me are foods that create my binge frenzy where I never feel satisfied with a serving. And... then proceeds the guilt, the anger, and the horrible feeling I get that I talked about in my last post. 
One of my favorite foods in the entire world is Chips and Salsa. It is my absolute comfort food. 
In my clean eating cleanse I am doing, you are required to drink protein shakes, a really nasty pro biotic, and a really good no sugar low cal. energy drink called a fizz stick (which are delish), and cut out refined sugars, gluten, and milk products. Focus on eating fresh foods, and whole grains (like brown rice). 
Back to trigger foods, I decided I would have SOME chips and salsa, I had corn tortilla chips totally gluten free and I had some really fresh yummy salsa, the best comes from Sam's Club and I love it. It is uber garlicy and It is so good on fish, one of my new favorite meals. Anyways, when I say SOME I had the intention of eating the 7 chips that are called A SERVING... well, those 7 chips became 14, and before I knew it, I really don't know how much I ended up eating. The next morning I was swollen in my hands and my feet, I had eaten so much sodium that my body could not flush it out. 
So, the next day around my snack time I decided to try something I had done before on my 2nd go around with WW, Cucumbers and Salsa. I had forgotten how much I loved it! It satisfied way better than chips and salsa, low sodium, and low low calories. It is a 0 point snack if you are following WW and it is a clean snack as well. It satisfied my crunch need, my salsa need and I really needed less. It was completely guilt free and I felt amazing for making such a change.
So the conclusion of my rambling... I know that there are healthier alternatives to my favorite comfort foods, ones that wont trigger my binge cravings, and ones that will leave me feeling lighter and better then feeling heavy and guilty. 
Cucumbers and Salsa. 
I have been following the Arbonne cleanse fairly close, and yes I have cheated, at times really bad. But I am focusing on the small changes I have made. Cucumbers and Salsa. And for this fast food junky, I have had 0 fast food in 2 weeks, which is really great. I have packed lunches for work all but 1 day and on that day, I went to Whole Foods and discovered they have a terrific salad bar, and they even have these fresh made salads in their deli that are delish. I had never really been in there before. It is kind of expensive but my heath is worth it. 
On a side note, My sweet sister-in-law Sara gave me a kindle link for a book I am really excited to read called Skinny Thinking, I got it for .99 cents, what a bargain. Thanks Sara! 
So... STATS
I have been weighing myself everyday, which I don't normally do because it proves to be frustrating and discouraging. But, I have actually liked seeing how eating my weight in chips and salsa really does effect my weight in the morning, and seeing how Cucumbers and Salsa really does effect my weight in the morning. 
I wont continue to be weighing myself everyday after the 30 days is up, but I am going to continue eating clean. I feel fantastic. 
So here it is. 
Day 12 and I am down about 7 pounds. Not bad for the cheating little crazy that I am. And also, makes me want to do better. If I had followed it 100 percent. I could be down as much as 12 pounds. But I will not complain. In another week I will be down another 5 pounds. Just you wait. 

Disorderly Eating

Yesterday while I was on my lunch break at work I was catching up on some of my favorite "Getting fit" blogs, MamaLaughlin posted about her thoughts of wanting to be Anorexic, and Her relationship with food. 

It made me think about mine and I decided to post about it. 

From the time I was in the 7th grade I have been slightly obsessed with Eating Disorders. It started in my HomeEcc class when the teacher was teaching us about proper nutrition and had us watch what was probably a Lifetime movie about a gymnast who turned to Anorexia to lose weight. It fascinated me that someone would do that to themselves. 

From that time on I thought about eating disorders all the time, researched them, did papers on them. In one of my 7th grade classes we were assigned to make a magazine on teenage issues, I of course chose Anorexia, It was the first, and probably only "A" I received from that teacher. (I think she did not like me so much(I probably talked to much)). 

I studied the likings of Karen Carpenter, and other known Anorexics and Bulimics. 

In the 8th Grade, in my health class, a friend of my older brothers and a recovering Anorexic from the High School in my district came and talked about her illness and what she would do. 

She talked about how if she ate something she shouldn't have she would go running in the middle of the night and then brag about it. She would take treats from her cheer coach and hide them so that they thought she was eating them. She talked about going to rehab and getting help and how she would struggle with this for the rest of her life and she would never be able to eat like a "normal" person. She would always be thinking of the calories but had learned the "good calories" vs the "bad calories" and why it is important to properly feed your body and to properly exercise and that her health was far more important to her then being thin. 

In the 9th Grade, I had a really good friend who, like me, was slightly obsessed with the thoughts of having an eating disorder. 

We would talk about it, we would talk about how fat we were, we would talk about how we wanted to lose weight, and how we hated our bodies. 

We talked about it all the time. 

Our friendship was based on our conversations about it. 

One day, we decided we would be Anorexic. 

We would encourage each other to not eat, we would call each other and talk about what we had or had not eaten for the day. 

We would congratulate each other if we skipped meals, thinking that this was the answer to being thin. 

We knew that the first 48 hours would be the hardest and we knew, because of the research we had done, that after that , the hunger just, kind of, goes away. 

I remember one day that I thought I had done so well, I did not eat breakfast, or lunch, I had chewed gum, and drank water, and was so excited. I thought one more meal, I can do it. When I got home from school, I saw that my mom had made my favorite soup ever, Plain old macaroni and tomatoes. I say plain because normally she would put ground beef in it, but not this time. I realized how hungry I really was, and I could not ignore it. I ended up eating 4 bowls of soup. I then received that annual "what did you eat" phone call and I told her about it. I told her that my mom made my favorite soup and I couldn't not eat it. I told her I would do better tomorrow and that it was just one bowl, (lie). I didn't want her to know that I had gone APE SHIT CRAZY with the food and mindlessly shoveled soup into my mouth and that it seemed like I couldn't get enough. 

Thankfully, for me, my mother was inspired. I think she really was. I don't know if I really would have become the thin Anorexic girl that I wanted to be, and thankfully I never found out. 

But, I did enter the world of binge eating after that. 

For some reason, I really liked what I had done that day. 

I liked that I had let myself get SO hungry that I wanted to eat and eat and eat. It was disgusting. I am so embarrassed by this. It was something I struggled with. I wouldn't eat all day at school. It was a game. If I did eat it was a laffy Taffy stick and a Diet Mt. Dew, which, I don't know why, I didn't even like Mt. Dew. 

I would then go home or to work, most often, and I would see how much I could eat in a single hour. I would eat a sandwich, chips, cookies, an ice cream bar, more chips, a soda (probably Dr. Pepper), an apple, beef jerky, anything that I could fit in my sorely empty stomach. I enjoyed that feeling of feeling so full. I liked that I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the day. But of course most often I would do it again. 

I was developing the characteristics of a Bulimic with out actually purging. I tried to purge, but I couldn't get myself to do it. I mean, who really likes to puke?

This lasted for a while, It was my routine. I would go to the local grocery store and get 3 chicken tenders on the way home from school, and then stop at the gas station and get more, I did NOT want anyone to know that I was eating as much as I was, I would down them all on the way to work, and then most likely eat my regular binge. I was OUT OF CONTROL and APE SHIT CRAZY. 

I really don't know how many calories I would consume during that time, but I know it was more than I needed in a day. And I also know that my metabolism was very forgiving during that faze. 

But I know I did damage. 

On my body, my brain, my metabolism, my self-esteem. 

This really lasted about 3 years. 

I didn't gain weight. 

Though, I probably should have. It is amazing to me what you can do to your body and not have it really show effect until years later. 

A teenage metabolism is so forgiving. 

My senior year is when I stopped doing the binge eating. 

I was feeling better about myself, my friend situation had vastly improved. And I was working out with one of my best friends in high school. I started eating normal meals and I looked and felt great about it. 

But, my relationship with food was and is forever changed by my disgusting habits. 

I still to this day struggle with moments of binge eating. 

I will eat mindlessly a lot of food, and I feel terrible and disgusting after. 

I don't fuel my body for good, I often still load it with crap and a lot of it. 

I need help.

I am going to get it. 

I have a co-worker that is an Arbonne consultant. Arbonne has a 30 day cleanse to help you reset your metabolism and detox your body, and help you start eating healthy and understand the importance of properly fueling your body and eating to live and not living to eat. 

It requires clean eating, and cutting out any foods that could cause allergies and addiction. No sugar, gluten, dairy, or processed foods. 

I am up for the challenge and will be receiving my supplements next week. 

I am excited to post about it and how I see myself change. 

I am even thinking of posting pictures. 

I am terrified. 

This is the most honest I have ever been about my eating habits and my relationship with food. 

It is scary and I don't want to be judged. 

Just encouraged to do better. 

Road block #1 plus stats

The last 4 weeks I have had so much motivation to run.
I have never been a runner. I have always wanted to be a runner.
So, I have purchased an elliptical to start. I was working out 5 days a week, one hour a day. Loving every second of the sweat.
I loved seeing that I had burned up wards of 700 calories during my run. I loved that I lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks. Hardly paying attention to what I was eating. I had been making better choices. But still, not really paying that close attention.
Week 3 rolled around and all of a sudden I was experiencing sore ankles.
Nothing too major. I just assumed it was sore muscles needing to build strength.
After about 3 days of that, It got really bad, I could not walk in the mornings without having taken Motrin.
After a week of that.
I went to the doctor.
The diagnosis...
STRESS FRACTURES.
I have 2 stress fractures. I have them in both ankles. The left is far worse than the right. But both in the same spots. The weight baring bones in my ankles.
It is so painful.
So, now I have to put a hold on my running for 6-8 weeks. After that, I have to cut back to every other day. 10 min to start.
It is no secret that I HATE milk. And I have hated it since I was about 5 years old. So during the most important bone building years of my life, I neglected to drink milk, take a calcium supplement.
The doctor said that if it happened again, I would need to get a bone density test done. WHAT?!? I am not even 30! WAKE UP CALL!! First thing I did, I went to the store and got calcium and vitamin d.
I don't want to be 30 and on Boniva because I failed to listen to my grandma tell me that I was going to get a hump back and brittle bones because I wouldn't drink milk. Just to clarify, I don't have a hump back.
But I really could have brittle bones.
That freaks me out.
Of course that is strictly worst case scenario.
Really the cause was too much too soon.
I was silly to think that I could run about 6 miles just like that and that my non runner body could handle it with no problem.
I was silly to think that it was that easy.
The cure. Rest. No running. No strenuous workouts. So, it looks like Maurie Winsor and I will be getting re acquainted, and that I am really going to have to start tracking my food journal.
I am disappointed. Frustrated. And, a little pissed off.
Wish me luck.

STATS:
Weight to lose 30 pounds. Would love to lose 40.
Total weight loss to date from time started
5 pounds.

PS
I carry my weight even and proportioned.
I wear a smaller size than most people who weight what I weigh
This is not about size. It is about being healthy. Strong. Confident. Happy.

New Blog. Part 3

Rewind.
Before I got preggers, I was able to maintain my weight loss fairly well. I gained 5 pounds back over the course of a year. I was still feeling great about it, and my clothes still fit the same. I was not upset about the 5 pounds at all. 
Then I got pregnant. 
When I was pregnant, I was very lucky to only have experienced 1 day where I could keep literally nothing down. Only a few days of morning sickness, and other than that if I got sick to my stomach then I just needed to eat some protein and I was fine. 
Sure, I experienced a change of appetite, things that I loved before I no longer could eat. Things I couldn't stand to eat before I began to crave and wanted to eat all the time. Like raw onion. I hate onions. But not when I am preggers. I craved them on salads, sandwiches, and onion rings. So weird. 
With that over the course of the 40 weeks, I gained 45 pounds. 
A little more than 1 pound a week. 
It was the heat of the summer, I was carrying a lot of water weight, I looked like I had elephantitise in my ankles, and my legs. You could push them in and they would stay with a fingerprint for a good 5 seconds. It was so weird. 
There are a lot of things about pregnancy that are so weird.
After I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy, all 6 pounds and 6 ounces of him, I was left needing to lose an other 30 pounds. 
Back to where I was the first time I tried to lose weight. 
After Patrick turned 1 I gained more weight. I was suffering with major baby blues depression and was just depressed about my life in general. The extra weight did not help. 
I am the type of person that will suffer with depression my whole life. It runs in my family, and it will be a constant struggle for me if I don't keep it in check. 
I joined weight watchers again, and was able to lose another 25 pounds. Still a good 10 pounds from my pre-preggers weight. 
Still, I was okay with it. I felt better. Not great. I was not on top of the world. I was just in the world. I am sure that my depression was a factor in the fact that I really did not care that much. 
I started working again. And during that time I gained 10 pounds back. 
Which makes me at the point of where my weight was been for the last, almost, 3 years. 
My child is 3 and I have yet to reach my pre-preggers weight. I have yet to make my goal weight. And I keep playing the up and down game on the scale. Which is so not good for you. 
Which brings me to the point of this blog.
I am going to use this blog as a personal journal. How personal? I am not yet sure. 
I know I am not ready to write actual numbers down. I am too embarrassed. 
I am going to use this blog as a place where I can write down my ups and downs. 
My struggle with my body image, my struggle to lose weight, and My struggle with my self esteem. 
I am not sure how interesting this blog will be. I am not sure what it will become. 
I am not sure what I will become through blogging.
I am not sure what will happen. 
But...
I am sure that my struggle will be a lifetime struggle. 
I am sure that I will have ups and downs.
I am sure that I will hit road blocks.
I am sure that I will lose weight.
I am sure that it will be hard.
So, here it is. My new blog. 
Leave encouraging comments.
Leave me new ideas.
Make my day. 

New Blog. Part 2

After the FP conversation with Tripp, I felt myself pull away. I am not sure if Tripp felt it or not. But when the conversation of marriage was brought up I was terrified. I loved Tripp but I could not be married to someone who was so worried about my FP. I know that Tripp had the best of intentions and he had no idea of my body image issues, because I never talked to anyone about them. He did not know what having a conversation like that would do to someone like me. 
Following the marriage conversation, I ended things with Tripp, He said I broke his heart. But for me. He broke mine first.
I don't doubt that Tripp loved me, I know he did. But he did not know the best way to LOVE ME. 
When I was in my last semester in school, I went to a "Tupperware" party that my friend Tab, was hosting. I had known Tab for a few years at that point, I met her while I was working with her sister Aub. Tab asked me if I was dating anyone, I told her no. And then she said that she wanted me to go on a date with her brother-in-law. She said he was really cute and really nice. So I said sure. 
A couple of weeks later, I met Justin. Justin and I hit it off really fast. 
He was very nice. And really cute. And for the first time, I did not feel self conscious when I was around him. I had never felt so comfortable around anyone in my life. 
After a few months of dating we were engaged, and after a few more months we were married. 
Enter Birth-Control.
I am not sure if it was solely the birth control or if it was a combination of my habits being abruptly changed with marriage. Or if it was also that I did not adjust to marriage as well as I had hoped or even thought I did. 
But I gained some weight. And when I say some. I mean 30. 30 pounds in the first year of marriage. OUCH!!! 
I know that birth-control can do that to people, but it did not help that I had stopped working, and stopped working out, and started eating like my 6'5 215 pounds of muscles husband.
I was out of control. I was unhappy. Unhealthy. And I felt horrible. 
Justin was really nice about it. He never said anything rude, he never said anything negative. He bought me a gym membership, I went with him maybe 3 times. 
I stayed in the house, laying in the dark. Watching Friends, wishing my life was like theirs. 
I wanted to be thin, gorgeous, and living a Hollywood written life. 
I was so depressed.
I had unrealistic expectations of what my married life should have been. 
I had always been super unhappy with my bust, so I decided after I had gained a lot of weight and was bustier than I had ever been, it was time to get a reduction. 
A girl I went to high school with, who had similar insecurities, had done it and she loved the results. So I got her surgeons info and booked my appointment. 
I was so excited, I was sure that after I got my bust reduced I would feel great about myself. That I would be magically cured of my depression. 
After my surgery, and after having 5 pounds removed. I know right. Wowza. I was just that, 5 pounds down. 
About 2 weeks after my surgery. I was still feeling horrible. 
For my sister Lara's birthday, we went shopping with all the girls. We had gone to the Gateway mall, which was really popular at that time, I had no intention of buying clothes because I really hated shopping and really hated the idea of buying clothes and trying them on. 
We went to Forever 21, it was still really new to Utah and we were excited. 
Lara was in the dressing room and she came out wearing the cutest sweater dress, with grey leggings. I told her she looked so cute and she needed to get the outfit. She said, "you should get it too!" She was so excited about it, and wanted me to have one too. She was being so nice. I started bawling. Like major. I was mad at her for even suggesting that I could wear what she could wear and that it would look good on me. 
It was at that point that I knew I needed to get off my ass and do something about it. 
That same week, I was walking down to help in my grandpas store and while I was walking down, my dads cousin, Tim, told me I was looking really chubby. I told him I know, and did what I did best and laughed it off. 
Then I told my grandpa about it. BIG mistake. He is  TOUGH love kind of person. He told me to do something about it.
End of fight... I told him to go to hell. 
I started walking home and my mom saw me. 
She came out and asked what had happened. She knew I was supposed to be at work. I told her what had happened and she was so hurt and mad by what had happened. 
She told me that she would join Weight Watchers with me. 
The next day, we went. 
I weighed in at.. (I am not ready to share my weight)
I needed to lose 35 pounds to be at my goal weight. 
I was full of piss and vinegar and was ready to do it. 
I was so tired of feeling so horrible about myself. 
I was tired of being overweight.
I was tired of seeing my sister look amazing in clothes and me look horrible. 
I was tired.
That day, I was ready. 
I started getting up early and doing 30 min of Pilates, while my water boiled for my 3 point oatmeal breakfast. I would follow that with a walk with my mom everyday. 
I was getting sunshine, I was getting exercise, and I was losing weight.
I was able to still enjoy dates with my supportive husband. 
After I lost the first 10 pounds I went shopping for a "Goal outfit". I was realistic in the size I chose. And the moment that outfit fit, I was on top of the world. 
The first go around with Weight Watchers. I lost 25 pounds. 
I did not reach my goal, but I was okay, I fit into the goal outfit, I had definition in my abs, thank you Maurie Winsor, and I felt great. 
Enter Pregnancy