After the FP conversation with Tripp, I felt myself pull away. I am not sure if Tripp felt it or not. But when the conversation of marriage was brought up I was terrified. I loved Tripp but I could not be married to someone who was so worried about my FP. I know that Tripp had the best of intentions and he had no idea of my body image issues, because I never talked to anyone about them. He did not know what having a conversation like that would do to someone like me.
Following the marriage conversation, I ended things with Tripp, He said I broke his heart. But for me. He broke mine first.
I don't doubt that Tripp loved me, I know he did. But he did not know the best way to LOVE ME.
When I was in my last semester in school, I went to a "Tupperware" party that my friend Tab, was hosting. I had known Tab for a few years at that point, I met her while I was working with her sister Aub. Tab asked me if I was dating anyone, I told her no. And then she said that she wanted me to go on a date with her brother-in-law. She said he was really cute and really nice. So I said sure.
A couple of weeks later, I met Justin. Justin and I hit it off really fast.
He was very nice. And really cute. And for the first time, I did not feel self conscious when I was around him. I had never felt so comfortable around anyone in my life.
After a few months of dating we were engaged, and after a few more months we were married.
Enter Birth-Control.
I am not sure if it was solely the birth control or if it was a combination of my habits being abruptly changed with marriage. Or if it was also that I did not adjust to marriage as well as I had hoped or even thought I did.
But I gained some weight. And when I say some. I mean 30. 30 pounds in the first year of marriage. OUCH!!!
I know that birth-control can do that to people, but it did not help that I had stopped working, and stopped working out, and started eating like my 6'5 215 pounds of muscles husband.
I was out of control. I was unhappy. Unhealthy. And I felt horrible.
Justin was really nice about it. He never said anything rude, he never said anything negative. He bought me a gym membership, I went with him maybe 3 times.
I stayed in the house, laying in the dark. Watching Friends, wishing my life was like theirs.
I wanted to be thin, gorgeous, and living a Hollywood written life.
I was so depressed.
I had unrealistic expectations of what my married life should have been.
I had always been super unhappy with my bust, so I decided after I had gained a lot of weight and was bustier than I had ever been, it was time to get a reduction.
A girl I went to high school with, who had similar insecurities, had done it and she loved the results. So I got her surgeons info and booked my appointment.
I was so excited, I was sure that after I got my bust reduced I would feel great about myself. That I would be magically cured of my depression.
After my surgery, and after having 5 pounds removed. I know right. Wowza. I was just that, 5 pounds down.
About 2 weeks after my surgery. I was still feeling horrible.
For my sister Lara's birthday, we went shopping with all the girls. We had gone to the Gateway mall, which was really popular at that time, I had no intention of buying clothes because I really hated shopping and really hated the idea of buying clothes and trying them on.
We went to Forever 21, it was still really new to Utah and we were excited.
Lara was in the dressing room and she came out wearing the cutest sweater dress, with grey leggings. I told her she looked so cute and she needed to get the outfit. She said, "you should get it too!" She was so excited about it, and wanted me to have one too. She was being so nice. I started bawling. Like major. I was mad at her for even suggesting that I could wear what she could wear and that it would look good on me.
It was at that point that I knew I needed to get off my ass and do something about it.
That same week, I was walking down to help in my grandpas store and while I was walking down, my dads cousin, Tim, told me I was looking really chubby. I told him I know, and did what I did best and laughed it off.
Then I told my grandpa about it. BIG mistake. He is TOUGH love kind of person. He told me to do something about it.
End of fight... I told him to go to hell.
I started walking home and my mom saw me.
She came out and asked what had happened. She knew I was supposed to be at work. I told her what had happened and she was so hurt and mad by what had happened.
She told me that she would join Weight Watchers with me.
The next day, we went.
I weighed in at.. (I am not ready to share my weight)
I needed to lose 35 pounds to be at my goal weight.
I was full of piss and vinegar and was ready to do it.
I was so tired of feeling so horrible about myself.
I was tired of being overweight.
I was tired of seeing my sister look amazing in clothes and me look horrible.
I was tired.
That day, I was ready.
I started getting up early and doing 30 min of Pilates, while my water boiled for my 3 point oatmeal breakfast. I would follow that with a walk with my mom everyday.
I was getting sunshine, I was getting exercise, and I was losing weight.
I was able to still enjoy dates with my supportive husband.
After I lost the first 10 pounds I went shopping for a "Goal outfit". I was realistic in the size I chose. And the moment that outfit fit, I was on top of the world.
The first go around with Weight Watchers. I lost 25 pounds.
I did not reach my goal, but I was okay, I fit into the goal outfit, I had definition in my abs, thank you Maurie Winsor, and I felt great.
Enter Pregnancy
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